I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
