Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
