um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
