Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
How external is "for external use only"?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
