he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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