I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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