He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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