Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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