Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
