i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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