Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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