when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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