I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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