UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
