Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
