I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
