I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
