I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
