Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?