I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
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Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless