I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
