I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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