i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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