I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
