you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
