Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
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