I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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