I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
