Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
