i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
