He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
