I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
