Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
