i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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