that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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