She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I am naked and annoyed.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
