There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So squirting runs in the family.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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