Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
