He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
