Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
