the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just got carded by a ten year old.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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