I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
