I got chris browned last night
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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