This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B