I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
