just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
