I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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