cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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