Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
