I have demons in me.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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