Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
