Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
