every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's never too late to be topless.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
