Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
They have beer where we have blood.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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