Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He shit in the fireplace
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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