I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
