my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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