Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He has the fingertips of a God
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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