And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
