Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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