if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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