I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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