My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
