If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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