she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
