I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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